Of Loving the Self, the Prophet and Allah

This is a copy of what I wrote about my thoughts on this month's theme in AA plus.

It's quite long. 

A LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ME & MYSELF

Among the examples are:

- I beat myself (mentally) for not being as good as the next person.

- I tried to do things that others do, not because I want to do it...but because almost everybody are doing it

- A never ending effort to find a place where I can feel a sense of belonging, a part of some group while not feeling I belong anywhere or to anyone including myself.

- That feeling when I think that I want something so bad, but I really didn't. It is because it 's what I am supposed to want in that particular situation. 

- I shied away from many situations or decision because I do not think I am good enough.

- I don't think I deserved any of the achievements that I had. I even thought that the exam standard was reduced when I got good grades.

.

.

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the list can go on and on.

Assalamualaikum, hi everyone. I have been selected to share my thoughts on our theme for this month. Loving the Self, loving the Prophet and loving Allah.

LOVING THE SELF

This month's theme, is of some significance for me. 

I shall be honest and say that I have been unkind to myself for almost my whole life until recently. Yes, only recently.

The thing is, I tried to be like everybody else. Whenever I see the people around me achieve something, there is this tiny feeling inside me that will say - what have you done, then? 

Then I will start to grasp at straws to make my existence significant, at the same time losing sight of myself. It is depressing. It affects my mood, my interactions with others, losing control of the screaming jealousy inside of me. 

It's really hard to love myself. 

LOVING THE PROPHET AND LOVING ALLAH

Again, I shall be honest.

If I were asked whether I love Allah or our Prophet, automatically my lips will form the word 'yes'. Since primary school we have been taught to do that. But not many of us we taught how or explained why. My mouth would be saying yes, I do love our God and Prophet, but my heart will not ever feel anything. It was just words.

All the while, I thought if we perform our 5 Islamic pillars, then we are already safe. You know, like a checklist. However the pillars of Iman, I did not pay much attention to. I mean, I memorize it, but do I really uphold them?

Believe in Allah and the Prophets.

How much do I believe exactly? To whom actually I prayed to?

How can I feel?

You see, some people are blessed with the gift of understanding. They prayed  for it, and Allah gives the understanding straight to their heart. They feel it and their faith runs deeply, but they can't explain how they feel, nor can they transfer the feeling. 

I am not one of the people. I tried, but l could not understand, I could not feel as much that I'd like to. There was no ihsan, I think. 

And I started to have that negative kind of envy inside of me. 

But I REALLY want that spiritual connection so bad that I begged Allah to let me know Him. To help me, show me in a way tailored to me, so that I can understand.

Then the book came.

Yeah, our book of the month (BOTM), The Crowning Venture.

Perusing through the pages, and I got my answer.

The Quran.

You know, how we sometimes casually stumbled upon a celebrity on social media. We thought that his/her post was interesting, and we started to stalk them. Until we feel like we have some sort of connection and think 'Hey, I know this person, even the family.' I know I kinda feel like that after stalking Aida. Ha ha.

The same goes with getting to know Allah and the Prophets. What better way to stalk them than exploring the Quran? That bundle of love letters that Allah delivered to humankind, full of guidance, tales of the past and the Prophets, about the promises that were made between our souls and Allah at the beginning of time. 

The more we stalk the Creator, the more we will want to know about Him, the more our humble soul bow to His power, the more we know that we are incapable of things without His izin, the more we acknowledge that He is the best disposer of affairs. 

The more we know about the Prophet, subconsciously we are influenced by their habits and characteristics and good behaviours.

My heart felt at ease, lighter. 

Then it became clear to me, like a veil lifted from my eyes and heart.

When we start to love Allah and the Prophet.

We know that we are not alone. To feel a sense of belonging in connection with Allah and His religion.

Allah is always there, always listening.

Even when something happened not according to our plan.

We know Allah has better plans, and not getting angry or upset with ourselves or other people.

My take home lesson from this month's theme will be;

When we start to love Allah and the Prophet.

Then we are able to love The Self.

For me, at least.

P/S I tend to ramble, I apologize and I hope somehow my sharing is beneficial to some.

May Allah bless our ukhuwwah, sisters.