Learning to be Kind, Not Judgemental

 The whole admission and preoperative assessment was uneventful. I got a room shared with a middle aged patient who was scheduled for a laparotomy TAHBSO on the same day as me.  I think the thing that I dreaded most was the spinal anesthesia administration. Me and pain did not go well hand in hand. Thousands of thoughts were spiraling in my mind.  But alhamdulillah, I did not even have the time to worry about that on the table. I was sedated nicely before they proceed for spinal. Only once or twice I was awaken during the procedure, and since I could not feel only Allah knows what they were doing down there, I drifted back into slumber. A little more alert when they have finished closing my abdomen and Dr I showed me the sample in the fluid filled jar. It was quite huge, I was surprised of the size. It was different seeing it in the ultrasound and looking at the gross specimen. Photo by Jackie Hutchinson on Unsplash I could not feel or move my lower limbs during the obse...

Walaupun kami seolah-olah dah bulat hati dengan keputusan untuk mengikut nasihat Dr I, tapi biasalah akan ada sedikit rasa atau lintasan keraguan yang menyapa hati. Antara sebabnya - ada orang lain yang ada condition yang sama, tapi tidak perlu melalui pembedahan apapun sepanjang mengandung. Tiada apa-apa yang terjadi sehinggalah  mereka melahirkan.  Namun berbalik kepada post sebelum ini, kita dah istikharah dan kita dah dapat jawapan daripada Tuhan. Adakah akal dan pertimbangan kita lebih tinggi daripada jawapan istikharah tersebut? Dan solusi untuk setiap keadaan yang sama dalam setiap orang adalah berbeza. Bagi A, mungkin tidak perlu bedah itu adalah yang terbaik untuk beliau, namun tidak semestinya untuk B. Untuk B, sekiranya ambil keputusan tidak bedah - cyst itu akan terbelit atau terpecah di masa hadapan, yang boleh beri lebih mudarat kepada bayi dalam kandungan.  Dan untuk C pula - setelah bedah juga ada komplikasi kehilangan kandungan - pun boleh jadi juga....

 After few days, no more fresh blood, only spotting/staining. Went for GH TCA. US scan beforehand, alhamdulillah masih ada fetal heart lagi. And everything looks okay. Kali ni tak berpeluang jumpa Dr M, dapat jumpa MO saja. Review result darah pun okey sahaja alhamdulillah. Tumour markers pun normal. Cyst tu pun - tak ada solution kalau di GH. Dia kurangkan dos Duphaston dan kata boleh naik kerja next week. Tapi rasa tak sedap hati.  Singgah department sekejap. Tak apalah, kalau dia tak bagi MC, kita sambung sajalah dengan cuti sendiri. And hopefully the staining stops by the end of next week. Mujur kawan-kawan dan bosses sangat supportive. The next week tu actually ada dua appointments. Satu kat Klinik Desa nak buka buku pink, satu lagi TCA di private. Masa nurse tanya nak sambung TCA kat private ke dah macam berbelah bahagi. Mungkin sambung kat GH je kut, saya balas. But 2 days later something happened. Hari itu patut ke KD sekali lagi sebab nak ambil darah. Tapi Subuh itu, ...

 Around my 10th week. It was on a Monday. I woke up in the morning as usual, getting ready to go to work.  As soon as I stepped into the bathroom in the darkness (I don't usually switch on the light), I felt something came out between my legs, splashed on the floor. Since it was dark I could not see what it was. I took few steps back and switched on the light. Imagine the feeling of seeing a blob of bright red blood on the floor, with sudden realization that there were blood trickling down my thighs. Macam dalam drama, sungguh.  My mind went blank for few moments. Did I lost the baby?  The only thing that made me a little bit calm was that I did not have any abdominal pain. I've experienced expelling product of conception before and it was painful. But I did not feel any pain.  So I washed myself. Performed by Subuh prayer. Let out my fears and worries to Allah. And then I told my husband. He was speechless and lagi tak tahu nak buat apa.  I texted my O...

Blood BhCG levels 48 hours apart - taken.  During those 3 days, we only told our Ayah about the situation - but he was calm about it and reassured us that everything will be alright.  The awaited day has come. It was around 2 days before the 1st Syawal.  I was working on that day but had taken permission to leave the department for a while. H took Grab to my hospital and drove to our ObGyn. We had to wait a bit before meeting the doctor. It was quite nerve wrecking.  Alhamdulillah the second BhCG levels raised more than twice the value of the 1st reading. And alhamdulillah the fetal heart pick up its rate around 130-140 bpm. Photo by Ken Cheung on Unsplash It was a huge relief for both of us. Although belum tentu lagi outcome akhirnya macam mana, tapi for the time being, our heart is settled...a bit. The next appointment is for another month. I needed to continue the Duphaston tablets, and to set an appointment with GH ObGyn to discuss about my huge right ovarian cy...

 My mate's face was unreadable. He was cooking when I told him about the news. About the possibility that there will be another life growing inside our lives.  "Alhamdulillah." He said and continued cooking.  But later that night after our Maghrib prayers, he fell into prostration for quite sometime, invoking praises and thankfulness to the Mighty Lord who made it all possible. Furthermore in the holy month of Ramadan.  For several days, I scanned myself at work to get rid of the anxious feeling - to find the sign of life, to find ketulan daging dalam kantung. I saw the sac, but I could not seen anything inside. I told myself that it was too early but that gnawing feeling of fear would not just go away easily.  We reminded ourselves that no matter what, Allah has arranged it so that it will be the best for us - even it will be seen as a bad thing in the eyes of us, puny human beings.  But Allah is al-'Alim, the All Knowing - He knows what lurked in our hear...

 It was the second week of Ramadan. I have been missing my date for about a week. It was quite a normal occurrence so I was not that worried. But the one thing that made me  restless was that I was restless. Something is going on with my body that I was not accustomed to.  Macam serba tak kena saja. So on the way back from work, I made a stop at a local pharmacy and bought two pregnancy kits. It may be false alarm, but at least I can put my mind to rest if its negative and enjoy the rest of my Ramadan. Photo by alexandros Giannakakis on Unsplash I did not place much hope but imagine my surprise when I saw two lines appearing on the kit.  SubhanAllah.  I did my sujud syukur immediately after my bath - but still, I have some mixed feelings. Being a healthcare worker meant that I was exposed to cases, stories and incidents that may not be widely known to the public. Plus I had my previous experience of blighted ovum back in 2016. What if the gestational sac is emp...